Feeling more in my shoes now with motherhood and our little darling girl is really a gem. There are easy days, and then there are tough days and overall tiring days but it is all worth it to see her grow day by day. We still grapple with making time for ourselves and at times I get upset with the lack of help and exhaustion but we are still making it work pretty well I would say. It is really tough not having help i.e. a maid and I think we are commendable haha.

Motherhood has a special way of opening up your eyes to life and to that credit, work has taken sort of a backseat. It’s still important in developing myself but just not worth it to take the distance when there isn’t a good enough reason to.

Needless to say, this year is a milestone for us. Grateful to have made a bunch of wonderful mommy friends and share this journey with them. Looking forward to share and do more together as a couple and family in 2012 and can’t wait for our new place in 2014!

If they say adulthood is about delayed gratifications and the acceptance of responsibilities, motherhood is a heavy-duty touchstone towards adulthood.

You not only truly have the life of another human being depending upon you, but you live and breathe for him/ her.

2nd week into my new job and I’m still trying to adjust to the many ways my life has changed. The most challenging being breastfeeding.. And the fact that my days go by small intervals between hour-feedings and maintaining some social life through texting with my free hand whilst latching baby on with mybrestfriend.

But when I look down at her little face, it touches something deep within me that makes the battle of endurance worthwhile. When I get too tired or breakdown and cry, I get over it and a new day and lease of energy will return. I hope I can persist.

Wishing for more help but also thankful that hubby has been supportive and over-bearing when I lose my patience so far!

I feel the creeps creeping in on me. Even without an extra pair of hands, having hubby’s company helps but today and the rest of the weekdays moving forward I’m on my own. When I really think about it, I’m kinda scared.

Especially when her feeds get erratic and I can’t feed her enough.. It’s truly a test of physical and mental endurance. I’ve never felt so exhausted over a prolonged period in my life and not being able to fend it off. Getting pain in my wrists, arms, neck, shoulder, ankle, lower back from either too much washing, the cold or carrying baby and chores.

What can’t break you will make you better they say – I hope!

In any case, survived baby’s first month on Saturday, will update at Cherice’s Blog later!

Things to do today:
1) make polyclinic apptmt
2) tidy finances
3) decide on Chinese name and arrge to do birth registration
4) create new baby record for feeds etc.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’ Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude – but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.’ And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.’

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know… I just did. The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

I’ve become a milking mama and hopefully my supply will keep up with her appetite. Next appointment with the pediatrician is in 3 weeks.. I hope she gains weight by then!

Meantime, we haven’t decided on her Chinese name and got to start planning for her one month old baby shower already!!

CTG monitoring only monitored one contraction in the entire hour. Upon cervix examination, Gynae said she could feel the front of my waterbag so it is still intact but I do have quite a bit of yellowish discharge and sometimes slight leak could be from the hind of the waterbag which she is not able to tell. But ultrasound showed amniotic fluid inside still looks good and a lot. Was asked me to go home and monitor for 3 days.

After that, I still went shopping around at Taka etc. went for pedicure since I didn’t think I would be so soon at all. Finally I got home in the evening and started unpacking this portable drawers that I wanted to use for baby’s clothings.. when i sat down on the floor, I felt some discharge leak so I went to toilet. To my alarm, there was some blood… (don’t know is it bloody show, slight brownish colour but not mucus-like). I called up my gynae after-office hours no. and the hospital helped me connect through to her. She said, she can’t tell anything unless I go to hospital to monitor. So I decided upon her advice to go back to the hospital and do monitoring again but don’t admit first.

I didn’t eat dinner before going as I totally did not expect myself to be in labour. I was just worried if my baby is fine and wanted to check and make sure. So I rushed straight down to the hospital where they would monitor my contractions for an hour. My gynae said on the phone that the hospital will send her the monitoring results as it comes in so if nothing she will advise them to let me go home. There I lay on the labour ward bed for monitoring, totally no expectation that I am in labour.. midwife came in, checked me and said I don’t have dilation/ about 1 cm only, just slight irregular contractions ask me if I feel them. To me, they just feel like normal menstrual cramps and I said I dont’t feel any contractions. She said I do have some brownish discharge.

Until my gynae stepped in and I was shocked, afraid something is wrong.. why she suddenly appear when I wasn’t expecting her to. She said actually I have contractions and if I feel them..Again I said I don’t. She did another cervix check and said actually I am already 3cm dilated and my contractions are getting quite regular. In fact, most people’s ones are 3-5mins apart, mine are already 1min apart!! She said am I sure I dont’t feel them? I said I still feel like just a case of bad menstrual cramps, not that painful.. they are surprised of my pain tolerance and that I dilated so fast, suddenly 3cm already.

She said I do have some bleeding and for such close contractions with bleeding, I might have placenta previa or that I have sensitive uterine. She said she will have to burst my waterbag to see if there is blood in it. As she said that, she was already bursting my waterbag at the same time. I was in utter shock! Next thing I knew I saw her hand full of fresh red blood and my water keep gushing out non-stop. There was so much!!

She said the water got some blood until more and more flow out and it’s clear. My tears were flowing non-stop and I was shivering and shaking very badly after all the water came out. Until she said, why am I crying I should be happy, I am already in labour! and baby is fine.. she said expect me to deliver the next morning, not so fast since first one. It took quite a while for me to compose myself.. I still keep shivering and feeling cold.

So the next thing was whether to take epidural. It was about 9+/ 10pm at night by then and before my gynae left.. she said if I want epidural to tell them, as later late at night it will take some time for it to come and they will need to check if I still can have it by then. I was in dilemma whether to take since I already 3cm.. then I still feel very much tolerable even as I begin to feel stronger contractions. But I scared later by the time I want and cannot have.. so I decided to order epidural. Before the anaesthetist came, midwife checked me again. She said actually I am only about 1 cm dilated, not 3cm as my gynae said.. so I was puzzled and thinking.. aiya, shouldn’t have ordered epidural so early. Though later on I did not regret as it is really comfy to be on epidural. I dont’t think I could have survived without it.

Morning came at 8+am, my gynae came and said I am ready to deliver in about an hour. 9+am, midwife came and checked, then started getting me to push.. I pushed hard with each contraction I felt until baby was very low down.

By an hour or less, baby was pushed out after a slight perineal tear and episiotomy. Baby came out so fast that hubby said it was like magic and she appeared out of nowhere.

Remember I said my baby was OP (occiput posterior) which will make pushing difficult and hard labour cos it’s the widest diameter of baby’s head? Luckily, as I pushed baby turned at the last moments to anterior. Baby Cherice very guai & cooperative~

So that is my labour story/ Baby Cherice’s birth story.. entire birth is natural! (no induction, not assisted.. but on epidural~) She is born as a full-term baby at 37 weeks on the morning of 23rd March weighing in at 3.190kg.

P.S. The pain is actually the aftermath when the epidural wears off & the milking process cos my engorgement was so bad yesterday. I never imagined my breasts can be so hard and painful. I think I pumped too long using breastpump for one of the sessions (up to 45mins in one session) maybe that’s why I got so bad engorgement).. Last night keep latching on for baby’s feeds through the night then felt better today – baby’s latch-on is the best!!

Getting butterflies in my tummy as I hear that fellow mom-to-be from MummySg forum who’s due to deliver a day before me has actually admitted to hospital! Starting to get a little freaked out as we are still not fully ready. Contemplating taking leave/ mc tomorrow to rest and get some more stuff ready.

Attended our last antenatal class on Newborn care on Saturday and did gynae check with scan as well but no VE examination. Hope to get baby’s nursery etc. all ready as soon as possible now.

35 Weeks 6 Days (by EDD)
Pregnancy symptoms: water retention in feet by end of day is now a norm, baby movements seem to get lesser but still frequent enough, pelvic pains
Baby love weight: 2.8kg
Position: Cephalic; occiput posterior, Unengaged
Cervix dilation: 1 cm or less (as of 35++ weeks check)

Am starting to rack my brains on a Chinese name for our little girl and it’s a major headache. Takes quite some effort for me to read this Chinese website page but it’s an interesting read..

My colleague from China said there are certain Chinese characters to avoid and some others which are deemed good for those born in year of rabbit etc. and sent me a link for reference. Trying hard to read and understand it in the mean time..though some things they say are conflicting.

【生肖属兔取名喜忌】
【好兔不吃窝边草】，就可以说明兔子喜欢吃草，而且非常小心翼翼，对周边环境很警戒，知道人类都是【守株待兔】，不会轻易在它们常出没的地方被捕捉；兔子看起来十分柔顺，但并非好欺负。【兔有疾麒麟】，表示兔子动作很敏捷，【狡兔三窟】，可以看出兔子是多么的深谋远虑，兔子除了爱吃草，当然胡萝卜这种五谷也是它的最爱，还有喜欢吃豆子来磨牙。
例如：属兔的叫做【丽丽】，那这是破婚格，不是离婚，就会与老公聚少离多，有没有就差不多，这是六害的【玉兔见龙云里去】，另外，在姓氏里有兔字根的如：柳、杨、林、宋、杜、赖，千万不要在生属龙与鸡、猴的小孩，会与父母缘分浅。
并不是以下的字都可以用，还要看属相的天干，每个生肖都有五种天干，属兔的有【乙卯】【丁卯】【己卯】【辛卯】【癸卯】，必须请教专业老师。另外请注意：姓名的好坏，与笔划完全没有关系。
【喜】：
●水木相生比旺：永、池、汝、沂、清、河、沛、江、浩、涵、凌，水，沁，汪，法，泰，泉，津，添，淳，涣，温，洁，湘，潮、木、株、桂、樟、榆、木、朵、村、李、杉、东、林、柄、柳、柱、桃、根、梁、栋、森、业、荣、乐……
水生卯木，木木比旺，有贵人有助力，被疼惜被宠爱，受益良多。
●亥卯未三合：核、该、孩、家、象、豪、豫、聚、众（眾）、缘、毅、美、姜、羚、善、义（義）、群、羲、妹、仪（儀）、祥、翔、洋……
亥卯未合木：木为仁；心地比较软，容易幻想不切实际，有时候，计划多，但实现力不强。不过，三合则贵人多助，助力强且运势佳。
●寅虎三会：虔、处（處）、彪、号（號）、琥、虞、炉（爐）……
寅卯三会，心手相连，互信互助，贵人常现，旺己旺人。
●卯戌六合：成、战、茂、盛、威、武、城、诚、猛、献、然……
●彩衣得势：市、裴、表、裕、裳、常、希、红、彤、彦、彰、席、綵、统、绮……
得势则人缘特好，心情开阔、桃花多多，左右逢源，得势得力。
●草、五谷得食：秉、科、程、登、丰、蓁、芸、苗、茵、芳、若、茉、莎、菁……
得食则丰衣足食，福禄财旺，满足称心，如鱼得水，心想事成。
●洞穴得地：守、宏、家、康、广、国、召、古、台、合、名、呈……
得地则心安无虑，感情对位，钱财稳定，运途平顺，少灾多福。
【忌】：
●卯酉对冲：酋、雅、鸣、鸿、翁、翊、翰、集、雄、菲、飞……
鸡兔冲，六冲两败俱伤，感情路难走，破婚格，流年大运差，运势难开。
●午马破克：冯、驰、骋、骏、骐、驾、驻、腾、许、夏、南……
●辰卯六害：辰、晨、宸、振、麒、麟、珑、谦、谅、贻、庞、宠、宾……
六害如尖刀子弹，看在阴边或阳边，克父母、克子女、克夫克妻，人生行运多磨难，身心难熬多刑伤。
●逢鼠刑克：孔、字、孝、孜、孟、孩、郭、李、好、北、冬、黑……
●逢人耳受制刑克：仁、仕、伸、依、信、健、阳、陈、院、聪……
受制于人则无自主权，容易委屈求全，无上进心，凡事没有信心、犯小人。
●逢蛇牺牲刑克：张、强、廷、延、建、迅、巡、逊、达、造、逸、迎、迪、述、逢、通、连、逐、造、速、进、道……
●逢日刑伤刑克：旦、早、照、昭、昱、明、映、时、间……
●逢大抬头牺牲刑克：文、主、大、奎、夫、奕……
●逢肉不得食刑克：心、蕊、慈、志、胜、腾、恩、育、肯……
●逢土刑克：圳、地、均、在、奎、佳、堂、坤、城、坚、尧……
●逢金被克：铭、钻、钧、铜、钰、鍊、键……

一、不宜用带有“酉”字的字。“酉”在十二地支是为鸡，鸡与兔相冲，冲者等于战争、冲突，这样会对孩子的人生发展不利。再者，酉的五行属金，有利刀的暗寓，对于兔子来说是避之则吉。酉又为酒缸，兔子是不饮酒的，否则非烂醉如泥不可。

兔宝宝取名些禁忌用字

二、不宜用带有“鹰”字或“鸟”字的部首。兔子最怕来自空中的杀手，飞鹰搏兔，防不胜防，对兔子威胁最大。兔子被猎杀，多半来自空中，故兔生肖忌用此类字。

三、不宜用带有“犭”部首的字。自然界中的狼、狗、豹等对兔子也不友善，看见兔子就会动起杀机，故兔生肖不宜用这个部首，不然迟早会成为别人的盘中餐、下酒菜。

四、不宜用带有“金”字部首的字。金者，铁器也，兔子忌铁器，除非宝宝的命中缺金，这才是另当别论。

此外，诸如“日、王、几、邑”等部首亦要慎用。当然了，这是指一般的情况，要视具体情况而定，起名时不能教条，不能执一而论。 兔宝宝适宜部首的字

一、草头部首的字比较好。兔子是吃素的，红萝卜，小白菜等是兔子的最爱，起名用草头部首，宝宝日后的人生好口福，有食神，岂不美哉?

二、带有“米、谷、豆、麦”的字样亦很不错。这些字为五谷杂粮，兔子有了它，一生不愁吃穿，福满安康该有多好。

三、宜带有“口”字部首的字。兔子是穴居的，有口即有家，否则无家可归真是人生一大惨事。安居方可乐业，乐业方可业成，才能有荣华富贵可言。

一、起名宜用带“口”的字。小兔子是住在洞穴里的，所以属兔的宝宝名字中适合带有大“口”或小“口”的字，表示兔子在洞穴里适得其所。

兔年宝宝取名宜用字

　　如：口、台、吉、谷、向、吕、告、含、呈、吟、吾、和、周、品、味、哈、啥、四、园、围、图、团、容、宋、定、宙、宜、尚、有、家、富。

　　二、起名宜用有“草”字头的字。兔子喜欢吃素食，名字里加入“草”字头的字，寓意着“有吃有喝，福禄双收。”

　　如：芬、芳、芙、卉、茗、茶、茹、普、菊、寂、董、葵、苇、蔡、蓉、蒋。

　　三、起名宜用带“米”、“谷”、“豆”、“麦”等偏旁的字。这些字都是指五谷杂粮，是兔子喜欢吃的，有着“不愁吃喝、福满安康”的美好祝愿。

　　如：禾、秀、积、苏、获、豆、麦、麻、么、米、粉、粒、梁、精、粮、黍、黎、麦。

　　四、起名宜用三合字。卯(兔)与亥(猪)、未(羊)为三合，寓意着“有贵人帮助”。

　　如：豪、家、毅、朱、美、善、祥、羡、该、妹。

　　五、起名宜用带“衣”、“彡”、“巾”、“采”的字。兔子很注重外表，跟衣服有关的字能让属兔的宝宝增光添彩、事业有成。

　　如：形、彦、彩、彬、彭、影、雕、红、约、级、素、细、练、绛、洁、丝、绿、绮、维、福、礼、统、祝。

　　六、起名宜用带“木”、“犭”、“田”、“月”的字。兔子比较柔顺，不够强势。传统中认为名字中加入“田”、“犭”等字，可以帮助属兔的宝宝增强气势。

　　如：朵、李、杉、束、材、村、东、果、松、桐、桔、梅、植、叶、朴、桦、树。但最好不用森、林，因为兔子入森林危险多多。

　　喜欢的部首：

　　草：叶、菱、荆、苙、莉、等有(草)字形。

　　木：栋、桑、核、根、村、等有(木)字形。

　　米：粉、米、精、菊、等有(米)字形。

　　禾：和、利等有(禾)字形。

　　麦：麦、面、等有(麦)字形。

　　穴：富、官、宙、等有(穴)字形。

　　“月”：清秀多才，温和廉正，安富尊荣;

根据兔的特点取名

　　
兔年出生的宝宝，起名宜用部首字：

　　“亻”、“禾”、“木”：贵人明现，精诚公正;

　　“入”、“宀”：重义信用，环境良好;

　　“金”、“白”、“玉”、“豆”：勤俭励业，成功隆昌，富贵增荣;

　　忌用部首字：

　　“犭”：良善积德，子孙兴旺;有“马”、“酉”，多不顺，不利健康;

　　“石”、“力”、“刀”：不利家庭，晚婚迟得子大吉;

　　“皮”、“氵”：大凶;兔怕水，有“川”更凶，忌车怕水。

　　根据相合、相害的属相起名

　　根据六合、三合、相生之理，相合生肖：亥(猪)、未(羊)、寅(虎)，所以取名宜用：

　　亥字根：核、孩

　　未字根：朱、妹、善、美

　　寅字根：演、虔、虚

　　不合生肖：酉(鸡)、辰(龙)，所以起名不宜用：

　　酉字根：酒、鸿

　　辰字根：振、农、龚、庞、云

　　根据五行起名

　　兔五行属木，根据五行相生相克的道理，起名

　　喜用：五行为水、木、火的字;

　　忌用：五行为金、土的字

　　根据食物起名

　　兔是非肉食动物，吃的是五谷类、草类食物。起名

　　喜用：豆、米、禾、麦、梁、艹

　　忌用：忄、肉、心

　　根据生长环境起名

　　兔子自然的生长环境是在户外。喜用字如下：

　　洞穴：口、冖、宀

　　居地：田、甫、山、丘、谷

While reading, I chanced upon other interesting articles about babies in Rabbit year. According to the Chinese lunar calendar for the rabbit year, those born from 3rd of April onwards (considered as the Chinese 3rd month/ March) have a smoother and brighter future! Hope Baby Cherice comes out after 3rd of April.. Rabbits born in Chinese 2nd month also not bad, just that have to work harder and experience difficulties before they get on the path of success~

Before 3rd of April 2011:
属兔人生于二月，其时正是风寒季节，也正是万物萌动的时候。兔人生于这个月，虽然有风暴，坎坷的经历，但一生毕竟丰衣足食，有名有利。前途一片光明。此月生人，能在暴风雨的洗礼中，使自己变的更加聪明能干，经验充足，走出一条幸福的路子。

Any time from 3rd of April 2011:
属兔人生于三月，不管男人女人，真是人间有福之人。本人聪明活泼，思路开阔，胆略超人。一生前途远大，事业辉煌，且权势过人。这个月生的兔人，无论在财运或官运上，都能心想事成无需费多大心血就能获得。但此月生的兔人，大多靠自己聪明才智而发展，没有多少六亲帮助。

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

from Sonnets from the Portuguese

Hospital bag(s) are packed with the last 10% of stuff that is yet to be put in:
- sweater for myself & hubby
- toiletries – only the extras & light make-up
- to check if hospital provides birthing ball or to bring one
- camera and spare batteries
- hp charger
- any other comfort items? (CD or aroma oil)

Here’s Baby’s going home clothes, together with a pink drawstring bag I got from Daiso just to put her clothes (can also use for her other stuff next time or when she goes to infant care/ school) and that’s my 2 hospital bags. The floral one, given to me by mum as a present from my family’s Taiwan trip contains comfort items, a book to read, docs while the one in black contains my hospital clothes, slippers etc.

 Weekly checks at the gynae from now onwards!

35 Weeks 6 Days (by EDD)
Pregnancy symptoms: stretchmarks, itchy tummy.. painful shins and slight water retention kicking in
Baby love weight: ??
Position: Cephalic; occiput posterior, Unengaged (I think)
Cervix dilation: 1 cm or less